We’re shedding here. It’s a good thing. I realise how little control I have in the shedding and how much control I have in the layers that leave.
Each of these layers left by surprise. Each death, each birth, the writings of the year and the tears of memory quaked something cellular. Broke me into a new beginning.
Now Black John has made transition. I sat with his family and saw him in each of their eyes,each twinkle, each turn of a phrase. I saw that he was still whole in them.and still whole in me.
I’m glad to have seen these moments.. It became a cooling of frayed nerves as the present becomes memory, quick as the ink dries. Grief is not so lasting as it is simply a cord to a relic, remarkable and striking as it moves our memory into significance beyond tears.
Of course, there is more going on outside of those I mourn.
I have become demonized this year. That’s good too. And here I feel the long arm of Black John move my pen and mind, my heart widened to embrace more love for me and less attraction to those who chose agitation for entertainment.
…… If I am to be called insensitive for saying NO to having had my shoulder worn down to the bone from years of being cried upon then so be it……. If I’m to be labeled a bully for saying NO to the alliance of the narcissist’s victimhood, then cutting my hair just makes room for my horns.
And when the NO’s started coming, there were the others, mutual friends, who listened to the story of my so called “bad behavior” and were never curious enough to ask me for my side of the tale. I have only one thing to say…………
I said NO often in 2014. It’s as if I never used the word before.
I am a demon now.
This year is ending and with it an innocence that has shrunk. It is wet and clinging….damp wool….. watery pink plastic ….strands of niceness unnecessary but grasped unto for pity’s sake, for protection from fear of a hard cold shock. This tattered form of innocence can now be easily to flicked away with a most definite…..
Then why say thank you?
Because I’m shedding layers and I couldn’t have done it without these deaths.
These deaths both the physical deaths of friends and emotional deaths of those to whom I have said NO……They who are still living, I need not name……( I did last night and felt release, but this morning I know that it isn’t necessary to have their names be read, it was just enough to I wrote them down once. In this dull December morning light as I edit this blog, I understand that keeping their names on the page is tantamount to blowing on the flames I want to put out.)
But then ahh…… those who make my throat clutch and my eyes sting …This is the list that needs to read…… .My dog Puppydog the Best dog in Town……….
My last and final mentor Dermot Healy………. …….
My Uncle John Godkin whose job was to carry me from Ireland to Canada……
Black John Martin my spiritual lover, buddy and friend. The catalyst for Sunshine Bites.
Thanks for coming to me, and staying and thanks for leaving. I am so grateful.
To those who might read this…. Ach.. What year huh……..
Thanks for clicking in. May your eyes be soothed, may your heart find rest.
Next year?…Well I hope my writing is not so flowery and more to the point. It can only get better ( ah sure that not necessarily true but you know what I mean…. ! )
So…, now…. I feel more like… I dunno….. perhaps….me ?